Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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