Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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