I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So vagazzling was a success
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
