After last night, I could never be a politician.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
