So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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