I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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