thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
