4 words: hood of his car
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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