you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
