I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
