i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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