Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
