Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
