If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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