Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
You can't motorboat a personality
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My penis needs a shock collar
11/10 would buy him a McLobster