so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
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She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.