why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
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any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.