he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
