I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
