i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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