The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
