ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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