Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
