Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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