It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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