I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
