I CAN MOONWALK!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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