I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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