Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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