So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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