do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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