Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
