I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
