good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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