Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
