and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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