I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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