u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
