She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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