im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
