the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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