When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
