We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
