He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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