I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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