i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
