Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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