I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
