Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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