meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
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Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.