No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on