my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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