I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
