I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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