Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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