My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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