he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
