I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
