we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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