I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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