Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
