my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
