he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
